Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
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So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
I know karate and tons of other words.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.