I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
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“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.