Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
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Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Me too
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
My last name is Zilla.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.