Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
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My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.