If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
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I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
welp
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
When does CPR become necrophilia?