Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
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Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.