I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
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Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.