Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
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You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.