My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
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The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
sensitive skin
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over