Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
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cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Finally, an explanation.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.