[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
You Might Also Like
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Worst perfume name ever.