Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
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I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
The happy life.. 😊
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”