Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
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i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.