There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
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Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion