i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
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he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
accurate
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
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At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss