axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
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Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Introverted vegans go meetless
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard