If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
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Kidney stones? Hard pass
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Unexpected Judgment
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Sunday
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?