In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
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Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.