I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
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My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.