My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
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I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me