WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
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Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
not for long
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable