Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
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T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.