wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
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What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
lol
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.