Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
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[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.