If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
You Might Also Like
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
I forgot how to panic. Help
I hate everything
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Are you dating a bunch of bees?