Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
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Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.