[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
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This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Cat is stressing him out.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.