I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
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Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Who needs an Air Fryer?
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks