My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.
You Might Also Like
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.