One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
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here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
just having fun
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.