Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
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Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?