“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
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Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.