ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
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I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”