Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
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At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY