I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
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I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
You know…for fall…
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?