People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
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“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.