Is this a threat?
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If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
That’s classic.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.