People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
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Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.