Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
You Might Also Like
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
My plans: 2020:
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.