*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
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Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old