I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
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I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
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*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.