I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
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What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
We need more people like this.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
whenever i wake up before my alarm