I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
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I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.