me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
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My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
President The Rock Obama
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Hey! This isn’t my car!
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
To see more unmatched reporting, visit
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.