What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
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I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Does your wife know you’re single?
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.