3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
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Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.