Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
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when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
#parenting
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry