Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
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My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Danger is very dangerous
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”