My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
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There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.