For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
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rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas: